Tell Me A Funny Joke

**S12 Captain**

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She tells the bus driver she needs someone to talk to, lives in a convent and wants to experience SEX before she dies. The bus driver agrees, but the nun explains she can't have SEX with anyone who is married because it would be a sin. The bus driver says "No problem...I'm not married." The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she'll have to take it up the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only people on the bus, they go in the back of the bus and takes care of business. When they were done and he resumed driving, the bus driver said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I'm married and have three kids." The nun replies, "That's o.k. I have a confession too. My name is John and I'm on my way to a costume party Happy Halloween!"

**S12 Captain**

lmao^

oh that's good!

**S12 Captain**

A married couple slept in twin beds. One night just as they were settling down to sleep the man called to his wife. "My little honey bunch, I'm lonely."

Taking the hint the wife got out of bed and crossed to his, but on the way she tripped on the rug and fell flat on here face. Concerned, he asked ."Oh is my little honey bunch okay? Did you bruise your nosey wosey?"

After they made passionate love, she got up to return to her own bed but once against tripped over the rug and fell flat on her face.

The man glanced at his wife, shrugged his shoulders, rolled over and said, "Clumsy bitch."

**Battle Ready**

A white man has just moved into a predominantly asian neighborhood, and is looking for something to do with his free time.

In the distance he can see a brightly light bar and sets off to get a drink.

Once at the bar he orders his drink and sits to enjoy it. Shortly after he feels a tap on his shoulder. As he turns around, he gets the edge of a hand slammed into the side of his face, knocking him from the stool onto the floor. Dazed, he looks up at the asian, and says "What the hell was THAT?!?"

"That was a Karate Chop I picked up in Japan" answers the asian.

Thinking this was a one time event, the man returns to the bar the next night, and not seeing the man from the other night, sits down once again to enjoy his drink. Moments later, he feels a familiar tap and turns in time to catch a foot in the side of his face once again knocking him from his stool. Looking up at the same asian man as the previous night, he asks, "Alright, now what the hell was THAT?!?"

"That was a Kung Fu kick I picked up in China" answers the asian.

Thinking to himself that he wont be fooled again, the man prepares to got to the bar again. Once there he finds a pinball machine in the back of the room where it is very dark, and hides, waiting for the asian to return.

Its not long before the asian walks in, looks around, and not seeing his prey sits at the bar and orders a drink. Seeing this, the man aproaches him and taps him on the shoulder. As the asian turns to the man, WHAM!

As the asian is sprawled out on the floor the man looks to the bartender, and says..."Hey, when that guy wakes up and wants to know what hit him, tell him it was a crowbar I picked up in Sears.

**S12 Captain**

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?

He did OK until his business fell off.

**Battle Ready**

LMAO! Wow, a buisness crumbling NOT because of the economy?...lol...This makes this even funnier (yes I know thats not a word, but dammit I like it...lol) to me at this point in time....

**S12 Captain**

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'

'I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

**S12 Captain**

A two-seater private plane crashed into a large cemetery near St. John's. The Newfoundland Fire Department have recovered 300 bodies and are still digging.

**S12 Captain**

LMAO!!!!!! That was a good one!!! :)

**S12 News Staff**

wow blue,thats just.....wow.

**S12 Captain**

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Reply

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

**S12 Captain**

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.Thanks for telling me..."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days,
a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab
it and I say, '$20 or off it comes!'"

"OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck.
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

**S12 Captain**

A 5 year old's first job...

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the flurkin' sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

**S12 Captain**

At a cockfight, how can you identify the polish guy?
He's the one with the duck.
How do you know if an Italian is there?
He bets on the duck.
How do you know if the mafia is there?
The duck wins.

**S12 Captain**

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

**Moderator**

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish
man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later
he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

**S12 Captain**

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

**S12 Captain**

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral, well attended by other members of the medical community.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.......I'm a gynecologist.”
The proctologist fainted.

Subject: Re: Tell Me A Funny Joke Thu Feb 18, 2010 6:20 am

Little Johnny went back to school after a long summer of fun. The Teacher as usual asked the class if they did anything fun over the break.

Johnny raised his hand high and held it up. The teacher (knowing Johnny) called on everyone until only Johnny remained. She reluctantly called on him.

I was walking home one day and saw this dog chasing a cat. The dog was right on the cat's tail nipping it. They wuz moving so fast I could barely keep up to watch. Then they came to a busy street full of cars and the cat came to a skreeching halt. Well, the dog couldn't stop so fast and ran right up the cat's asshole!

The teacher hearing the vulgar language tried to do damage control and said "Rectum, Johnny...Rectum!

Johnny looked at her kinda puzzled and said Recked'm? Recked'm hell, It Killed'M!

**S12 Captain**

Weight Loss For Men :)

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

**S12 Captain**

After spending the night at a hotel with a call girl, a ploitian left $300 on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $100."

"You can't make a living on that," he replied.

"Don't worry," was her reply. " I do a little blackmail on the side."

**S12 Captain**

Top Ten things NOT to say in Victoria's Secrets

1- The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

2- No Thanks. Just sniffing.

3- I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

4- Mom will love this.

5- Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboy Logo on it?

6- No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

7- Will you model this for me???

8- Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

9- 45 bucks?? You're gonna end up NAKED anyways!!

10- Does this come in children's sizes?

S12 Captain **Character Profile** Name:: Class: EXP:: 0

William Shakespeare and Henry David Thoreau both approached the Pearly Gates at the same time. Waiting there for them was Saint Peter and he was frowning.

Saint Peter: I'm sorry gentlemen. There is only room for one Poet Laureate in Heaven. Therefore we will have a competition. Both of you must write a poem. The one who writes the best poem will get into heaven. The only requirement is that you must use the word Timbuktu.
(pronounce Tim-buck-too)

So the two men thought about it and Henry David Thoreau went first:

"Once upon a hill I stood
Looked around, the sight was good
A caravan came traveling through
Its destination Timbuktu."

Saint Peter smiled, but Shakespeare just started laughing.

Saint Peter: Well, William, if your poem is so much better why don't you share it with us?

Shakespeare nodded once and began to speak.

Shakespeare: ONce, when through the woods we went,
My friend Tim and I espied a tent.
In the tent were three you girls
With big white smiles and long blond curls.
Though they were many and we but few
I bucked one and Timbuktu."

Shakespeare won.

**Moderator**

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept
with you twice! Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

**S12 Captain**

Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feed away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.

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