Tell Me A Funny Joke

This is Texas!!!--VERY FUNNY

Dear Diary:
> May 30th:
Just moved to Ft. Worth...Now this is a city that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! watched the
sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally
found my home. I love it here.

> June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

> June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

>July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I
expected.

> July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

> July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up
to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I
told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and
shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.


>July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

>July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house
payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

>Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes
the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid
city.

> Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

> Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2
layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car
smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

>Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do s*.* for 2 damn months and
the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?? Water rationing will be next,
so might $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool.
Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

> Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix
it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500
house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick
demented idiot would want to live here??

wow,that describes texas life to a tee,as well as arizona liife,southern california life,hell anywhere that has a desert.

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

A Letter from Men to Women

To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.

A little girl walks in on her parents having sex with mom bouncing away on top.

"Mommy what are you doing?"

Thinking fast the mom replies "I'm bouncing all the air out of daddy's tummy so it wont be so big".

"Oh mommy, that isn't going to work. Because every morning after you go to work the neighbor lady comes over and blows him back up".

Did you hear about the Indian who drank twelve gallons's of Lipton's?--They found him the next day dead in his tea-pee.

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

Popeye nearly killed him.

How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek?

One.

Two blondes were decorating a house. One was painting the ceiling while the other painted the walls.

After a while the one painting the walls said. "Have you got a good grib on your brush?"

"Sure."

"Well hold tight, I'm taking away the ladder."

A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her politely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff. "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my liense and today you expect me to show it to you."

Mohammad entered his school classroom. What is your name? asked the teacher.
Mohammad, answered the boy.
Here in France, there is no Mohammad. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois, replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home.
The day went well Mohammad? asked his mother.
My name is not Mohammad. I am in France now and my name is Jean-Francois.
Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents? Your heritage? Shame on you!
...And she beat him.

Then she called the father and he beat him very hard.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
What happened my little Jean-Francois?

Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French, I was attacked by two Arab terrorists.

An elderly male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, looking very worried. A young student nurse appears, making her rounds checking vitals.

Looking extreamly distrought the elderly male pleads with the nurse, mumbling from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to check your vitals and record the information for the doctor."

He struggles to ask again, breathing heavy into the oxogen mask "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown slowly, gently holding his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, cautiosly lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look, inspecting them carefully and happily informs him, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man, now with a srange expression on his face slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful......and very kind of you. But listen very, very closely......


" A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

A man walks into a bar.....and says ouch...

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

My wife and I recently bought a box set of Doctor Who, and watched them back to back. Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.

Farmers, they use a lot of heroin. Mind you, finding the evidence is like …

"When I was young my parents used to say to me: "To pay for your education, your father & I had to make a lot of sacrifices. And it was true, 'cause they were both druids."

WAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!